All my prayers are broken but I hope they are reaching god.

"And suddenly I wonder 'where is the girl that I was last year?.. Two years ago? ... What would she think of me now?"

I tend to avoid my future as much as my past, but my past is always on my mind. My future is never on my mind. I created these friendships where they’d say i’d end up with them and we’d be one big happy family and i’ve been let down every time. I often say this, but my future has not been planned out because I amaze myself when I actually stay alive, even if the desire to die isn’t there anymore, the desire to live isn’t entirely there either.

I want to have the desire to be alive, there’s too much I don’t want to miss and too much I haven’t experienced yet. But at the same time, what I want vs what I think will happen are very different things.

I never imagined moving out and having my own apartment, I never thought i’d be capable of doing it, I want that to happen. I don’t think I’ll ever be in a romantic relationship, I both am okay with that but I also want someone. I do think I will end up alone for the rest of my life, I hope that doesn’t mean I’ll do what my mom does and settle on someone horrible in order to avoid being alone in death. I wonder if it’s everyone’s goal to be able to die with someone next to them. I want to live a life where money doesn’t matter, but it always will. I will say, I didn’t think i’d ever live a life where i’d have a best friend so that one I can say I got what I want and what I want is also what’s happening. I want to be a writer, and to make a living off of that, but it could never happen because my brain only works for about 10 minutes a day. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what the future will look like or what it should look like, what do normal people want their future to look like? What do people hope and dream of?

“The future is unclear but it’s still mine”

When I think of the past I am ashamed. I am ashamed a whole bunch of nothing has impacted me so deeply and changed me. I hate that I virtually have gone through nothing and yet “nothing” was enough to alter who I am and everything about me, I think it shows how weak I actually am. People go through real things, and I shouldn’t compare but how and why do I feel like the world is ending over friendships ending when that’s a completely normal thing that happens to everyone. Meanwhile there are people that actually go through some of the hardest things in the world. I am so humiliated by my own pain.

I remember telling myself I have to have my guard up, I can’t ever get close to someone again, I can’t let anyone know me and it’ll only end up in hurt. I didn’t listen to myself and it ended up happening again, me two years ago would call me stupid, I shouldn’t trust anyone. I wish I could shut off who I was, I wish I could turn off my emotions like a switch. I wish I didn’t love so easily, but I feel like some people you just can’t help but love. I won’t look stupid this time, this is my last and final try at having a best friend and it’ll work out.

I need to be better on behalf of past me and future me, I need to be more.