Liam Payne died and suddenly it meant everyone around me will too

Grief has always been such an odd thing for me, I have never been able to handle it. When someone dies that has been a part of my life in such huge ways, even though I didn’t like him as a person, it somehow has put me into a state of shock and unable to express my emotions.

I am now scared, he died at 31, that is so young, only 6 years are between us. It makes me realize time doesn’t matter to the universe, people will die unexpectedly and before they’re ready to and we just have to accept that, and that’s not fair. It’s why I try not to argue with people I love, or get mad because what if they died a few hours later? What if they died tomorrow, what do I want my last interaction with them to be. Which is no way to live, even when people hurt me beyond repair I just accept it and move on because what if they died.

After my grandmother died all I could think was I was so mean to her for her last few months because I was so upset she didn’t come to my high school graduation, I remember her being upset she didn’t get a ticket to my older cousins graduation and she was so upset and I remember telling her she could come to mine, I was only in 8th grade then, and she said she would love to. That was my motivation to graduate high school, even though I was so depressed and never wanted to get out of bed, I did so she can come to my graduation. But she didn’t, she was most likely somewhere getting high and then she lied to me over the phone about it. I was so mad at her. I will never be mad at someone I love again, because she wasn’t supposed to die.

What if my best friend died tomorrow? How would I be able to survive. Liam was someone’s best friend, how are they coping? He was someone’s everything, what if the person I consider my everything died a few hours after I talked to them. I think I would be crushed for the rest of my life, I couldn’t imagine existing after, it doesn’t seem like a possibility to me.

Before when I listened to one direction I was listening to my childhood, now when I listened to one direction I’m hearing a dead man sing.